To the margin of a winter solstice
Today is 21st December. Winter solstice. Everyone is opening their hearts, lighting the candles, thinking through the old year, planning the new one. At the end of the day we will welcome the longest night of the year to bring even more light into the world from the following morning.
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There are days when only the endless darkness exists within. The doubts, the fears, the unanswered questions mudding the sea of the thoughts. The expectations wanted to get fulfilled – even unconsciously. Sometimes there is comparison – myself, my life, where I am on my life path. Sometimes it seems the ornaments of the learned patterns are engraved hopelessly deeply. The little mermaid just floating, floating in the ocean of despair.
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And there are days when there is nothing else but the silence. The breath. The sip of hot cacao as it is crawling through the throat. The sweet air as it is expanding the lungs. This is it. This is what I have. This is me. This hot sensation. This bite of air. But all these are for a quick moment only. As the next exhale takes everything away.
Someone is sitting here and writing these words – she was shaped by places, people, events. I am a monument. Proof of a past. Moments swept away by time.
In the city which was a home one day, the streets have new names, there are new shops, old buildings disappeared. The name of the city is the same, but THE city who made me to myself, does not exist anymore, does not exist anywhere – only within me.
As that people neither – who shaped the me who I am today. The name, the body is the same. But the person I met, who shared my steps, who exchanged thoughts and feelings only exists within me, nowhere else in this universe.
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From tomorrow the darkness of the night slowly fades away. More light enters into our life. The little mermaid swims into the shore, shake it off her glittering scales and starts to dance. Because today is the day of celebration, gratitude and thanks. For everything and everyone ever stepped into my chalk circle. And since that moment they are with me, within me forever to build, to destroy, to shape. Within me until the last moment of my existence.
(A magyar valtozat ekezetek nelkul olvashato.)
Egy napfordulo margojara
December 21-e van. Teli napfordulo. Mindenki unneplobe oltozteti a lelket, fenyeket gyújt, osszegez es terveket gyart. A nap vegen a leghosszabb ejszaka koszont rank, hogy atadja helyet a novekvo vilagossagnak.
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Van, mikor a vegtelen sotetseg letezik csak ott bent. A ketsegek, a felelmek, a megvalaszolatlan kerdesek teszik zavarossa a gondolat-tengert. Az elvarasok, mik fele ohatatlan is ott a megfelelni vagyas. Neha hasonlitok – magam, az eletem, ahol tartok. A tanult mintak sordisze olykor levakarhatatlannak tunik. Uszik a kis hableany, uszik a ketsegbeeses vegtelen oceanjaban.
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Maskor meg van a csend. A lelegzet. A korty forro kakao ahogy kuszik vegig a torkon. Az edes levego tagitja a tüdőt. Ennyi van. Ennyim van. Ennyi vagyok. Ez a forro erzes. Ez a falat levego. De ez is csak egy pillanatra, mert mar ki is lelegeztem.
Ul itt valaki, aki irja ezeket a sorokat. Formaltak tajak, emberek, esemenyek. Emlekmu vagyok. Multbizonyitek. Lepergett pillanatok.
A varosban, mi egykor az otthon volt, atneveztek az utcakat, uj boltok nyiltak, epuletek tuntek el. A nev egyezik, de AZ a varos, ami engem magamma tett, rajtam kivul mashol nem letezik.
Ahogy azok az emberek sem, akik azza tettek, aki ma vagyok. A nev, a test ugyanaz, de akivel en talalkoztam, aki mellettem lepdelt, hozzam beszelt, mar csak bennem el, sehol mashol.
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Holnapol az ej sotetje enyhul. A napfenyes orak hosszabbak lesznek. A kis hableany majd kiuszik a partra, lecsatolja a pikkelyes rokolyat. Es tancol. Mert unnep van, hala, koszonet. Mindennek es mindenkinek, aki valaha belepett a kretakorombe. Es azota is itt van velem, bennem, epitve, rombolva, formalva, alakitva. Bennem önnön letezesem vegso pontjaig.